“In each of
us, two natures are at war – the good and the evil. All our lives the fight
goes on between them, and one of them must conquer. But in our own hands lies the
power to choose what we want
most to be we are.” … Robert Louis Stevenson
Dear friends,
It's been a long time since I've posted. I hope by the end of this one, you'll realize it was better for me not to have been writing these past several months. Thanks for hanging in there with me via emails, texts or FB. Kathleen
I have never in my life felt so strong
a tug at the center of my being as I have since the 20th of January,
2017. To say that I have lived my adult
life as apolitical is kind. I’ve never
been staunch in my leanings towards one party or the other. And truth be told, I am not now. I’ve resisted the many Blue offers that have
come my way.
Because if there is only one learning in
this moment (and there are many) it is that evil can wrap itself in whatever
wrapper serves it. It’s not that we can
point and say “he is evil” or “they are evil” as if they have always been and
always will be. No, there must be some other criteria for discernment and judgment
from which to make our choices. Red and
Blue although convenient politically and expedient, never hold the whole truth.
And those who mindlessly follow this rainbow have been duped.
But in fact that’s not what I sat down
to write about at all. Rather, my pen
comes to paper to talk about the struggle for who I am and how I live and
what this country is and how it participates in the world. Because it’s these
things that have been playing out in me and through me; sometimes in spite of
me and sometimes with me as the majorette, these last 6 months. I sat down to write about the tug to join in
the defiance—as it seems the only defense to the offenses of an administration
that appears value-less, morally bankrupt, elitist and corrupt beyond imagining
all at the same time. I sat down to write about how anything I hear from this
White House and this administration sickens me—and how I don’t find that it reflects
my values, my moral compass, my compassion, my hopes or dreams for a Great
Nation.
However even beyond that, I sat down
to write about how this tragedy of an administration has succeeded in more ways
than I care to admit to suck me into the swamp with them. How I’ve responded most often with a visceral
revulsion. How when I look back at some of the things I’ve said or implied…I
don’t recognize the person who would say that in that way. I sat down to write about this division
within me created by the chaos around me and to put it into words as a step
towards healing and change.
Because it’s not the Tale of Two
Cities, or two countries or two nations really as Dickens might write. And it’s
not even simply the divergent path in the woods of Frost. But in bold Stevenson language—what I’ve been
experiencing in my own self really is: “In each of us, two natures are at war –
the good and the evil. All our lives the fight goes on between them, and one of
them must conquer. But in our own hands lies the power to choose – what we want
most to be we are.”
And there it is… “in our own hands
lies the power to choose…” I am coming
to realize that in a situation of awful consequences and proportions, in a battle
for a way of life and a way forward for those who come behind us, we are not
well served allowing ourselves (allowing myself) to be carried on by emotion or
chided by negativity. That I (we) must
dig deeper than that to be a part of the solution instead of simply being a
participant in the fallout. We must dig
deeper, you and I because it lies in our hands to choose—and what we want most
to be we are.
It’s a take on the Native American
proverb told about a young boy asking his grandfather about the pull in his own
nature. The grandfather said there are
two wolves at war within you, one for good and one for evil. “Which one wins?” the young man wanted to
know. To which the wise grandfather
replied: “the one you feed.”
I like the word Julia Cameron coined “crazy
makers.” We all have someone(s) that
come to mind in our life even when we hear that word for the first time. In my opinion, since January “crazy makers” have moved in
to the most respected institution and highest offices of our country. “Crazy makers” are calling the shots…are
bending and changing the rules. And
without paying close enough attention to the core of our very selves… otherwise
sane, kind, good people have been sucked into the crazy—myself included.
Perhaps we have succumbed to a survival
mode. We have joined in the frenzy. We
have in the craziness forgotten who we are.
Which is the saddest realization of all.
We’ve started to act like them; allowed ourselves to feed the wrong wolf. And it’s time, at least for me, to stand down.
Shocked by one particular political cartoon, in just that moment I remembered there is another wolf to be
fed. Another strong, noble, fierce
animal that depends on us for survival.
This other wolf is recognized in civility, compassion, kindness,
protection of the environment, protection of the hungry, the homeless the
least. This other wolf cares for the
globe and all the people who inhabit it.
This other wolf cares for the earth, its rivers, streams and air. And I remembered that though distracting, it’s not by becoming like ‘them’ that we
shall prevail.
I’ve been disgusted and angry since
January; I’m done with that. Today I
begin my road to recovery. Working for
what is good and right takes as much energy as throwing stones at those who
work against it. Likely the former bears more fruit. So I am emptying my pockets of all those
pebbles I’ve been carrying around. And I’m
going to begin the long road ahead to being who I already know I am. Thank you
Robert Louis Stevenson for the reminder that “what we want most to be we are.” Though I got here on my own, in ecclesial
language I will only be able to climb out “with God’s help.” I seek your prayers.
Believing and in hope,
Kathleen Bronagh Weller
thecelticmonk
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